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Holidays and Foster Care: Supporting the Mental Health and Wellbeing of Foster Kids During the Holidays

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children look out of the window on Christmas

Children and youth in foster care may find themselves full of conflicting emotions during the holidays. They may feel a mix of anticipation, anxiety, grief and loss, joy, and loneliness. They may feel conflicted about how and who they are spending the holidays with; therefore, the goal is to make this season as emotionally safe, inclusive, and predictable as possible while honoring their history and culture. Caregivers, caseworkers, relatives, and community adults can create a balanced holiday experience by planning ahead, inviting children into decision-making, validating big feelings, and keeping expectations – and schedules – flexible.

The number of children and youth in the foster care system has steadily decreased in the last five years.1 While that is good news overall, there are still a high number of children and youth in foster care in the United States (US) is approximately 329,000 and in California that number is close to 38,500.2 The average amount of time a child spends in foster care is 13-20 months3 which means most foster children and youth will experience at least one holiday season away from the family and traditions they are familiar with.

Foster children and youth also experience higher rates of behavioral and mental health issues than the general population of children4 making them more vulnerable to the stress that can often accompany the holiday season. This time of the year may exacerbate behaviors and symptoms due to the decreased structure and increased activity that comes with it.

For younger children, this might look like:

  • Increased clinginess or separation anxiety
  • Trouble sleeping or nightmares
  • Regressive behaviors such as thumb-sucking and bed-wetting
  • Irritability and mood swings
  • Withdrawing from friends or family
  • A decline in school performance5

For older kids and teenagers, this might look like:

  • Increased irritability or anger
  • Withdrawing from family or friends
  • Trouble concentrating or drop in grades
  • Changes in sleep patterns
  • Risky behaviors or acting out
  • Loss of appetite
  • Loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy6

The holidays can be especially difficult to navigate for many foster children and youth because they associate holidays with loss, family conflict, substance use, and/or unmet expectations rather than warmth and joy. Being separated from parents and siblings can intensify grief and guilt, even if their home situation was unsafe. On top of this, the holidays bring schedule changes, crowded gatherings, and high emotional energy that can be overwhelming for kids who already struggle with trauma, anxiety, or sensory sensitivities. Recognizing that “acting out” is often a sign of fear, sadness, or shame rather than disrespect can help caregivers manage behaviors and expectations.7

Before the season ramps up, it is important to have at least one calm, one-on-one conversation about what the holidays mean to the child/youth and what this year’s festivities will entail.

  • Ask open-ended questions such as: “How have holidays been for you before?” “What do you like or not like about this time of year?” “How do you like to celebrate the holidays?”
  • Normalize mixed feelings and let them know it’s okay to feel excited, angry, sad, or nothing at all.
  • Explain any court-ordered or planned family visits in simple, concrete language and ask what worries they have about those plans.8
  • Offer choices where possible
    • What activities to attend
    • Who gives them a tour of the house at gatherings
    • What to wear

This will help them feel some control in a season that often feels out of their hands.

Children and youth in foster care carry traditions, beliefs, and loyalties from their families and communities that deserve respect – be sure to honor these by treating their history as an asset, not a problem to be solved. Ask how their family celebrated food, music, and religious practices; how they handled decorating for the season; and if there are community events they miss and would like to attend. Incorporate at least one of their traditions into your plans – making a specific dish, saying a favorite prayer, attending a certain event, or listening to music they associate with home.9

If your beliefs differ, make room for their beliefs, you can explain your customs while clearly demonstrating that theirs are also welcome and important. For children from marginalized racial, ethnic, or religious backgrounds, look for culturally familiar holiday spaces – faith communities, local cultural organizations, and/or events that reflect their language and traditions.10

Plan predictable routines and gentle schedules. Predictability is one of the most powerful supports you can offer during the holidays.11 Foster children and youth often feel safest when they know what comes next and who will be there. Some things you can do include:

  • Creating a simple visual calendar or written list of key events that includes school parties, visits, services, trips, and quieter days at home.
  • Keeping core routines – wake time, meals, bedtime – as steady as possible, even on big celebration days.
  • Building in daily “quiet pockets” with screens off – reading, crafts, walks, or just hanging out.
  • Avoid overscheduling – it is better to choose a few meaningful activities than to attend every event. Let kids know they can step away to a bedroom or quiet nook during gatherings without being in trouble.12

Prepare them for people, places, and expectations. Meeting numerous new adults and relatives at once can be intimidating and confusing for foster children and youth. Preparing them in advance reduces anxiety and behavior blowups. Describe each planned event – where it is, how long it will last, who will be there, and what usually happens. Show photos of key relatives, caregivers, or family friends and share one safe fact about each person, i.e., “This is Aunt Rosa, she loves board games.” Talk through etiquette in a non-shaming way, for example let them know that hugs are optional, they can say “hello” and wave instead or shake hands or give a fist bump, and they can look to you if they feel stuck. Also be sure to prepare extended family by explaining basic boundaries, pronouns or names the child prefers, topics to avoid, and remind them that the child’s story is private and not up for group discussion.13

Validate big feelings and grief. Holidays can renew grief about parents’ struggles, broken traditions, siblings in other placements, or past neglect and abuse. Instead of trying to “cheer them up,” make room for grief alongside moments of joy. Name what you see gently, by saying something like: “You seem really quiet since the party; this time of year can feel heavy.” Reassure them that feeling sad or angry does not spoil the holidays or disappoint you. Offer tangible outlets such as journaling, drawing memories of loved ones, lighting a candle for someone, or creating a “memory ornament” about a person or tradition they miss. If emotions show up as oppositional behavior, step back and ask yourself, “What might this behavior be protecting them from or expressing?” before responding with consequences.14

Support visits and contact with birth families, including siblings. Many foster children and youth are separated from their siblings, and holidays can heighten that pain. (But if siblings live in the same home, watch for rivalry fueled by trauma and stress; try to avoid comparisons and instead highlight teamwork between them). When safe and permitted, respectful contact with birth families can be grounding for foster children and youth during the holidays, even if it is emotionally complicated. Coordinate early with case workers and courts so visit schedules are clear and do not clash with your own family plans. Prepare the child/youth beforehand – what the visit will look like, time limits, who will attend, who will transport and how. If in-person visits are not possible, explore phone calls, video chats, letters, or sending a small gift or drawing, as long as this fits the case plan and safety guidelines. Be sure to plan a low-key transition activity afterward (hot chocolate at home, a simple game, a walk) to help them decompress.15

Create inclusive, flexible holiday traditions. New traditions can help foster youth feel like true members of the household, but these should be built with – not for – them.

  • Invite them into planning: “We always bake cookies – what would you like to add this year?”
  • Choose traditions that emphasize togetherness over perfection: making ornaments, decorating a shared tree or table, baking, volunteering together, or choosing a favorite holiday movie night.
  • Include them in family rituals: hanging stockings, lighting candles, or singing carols, but allow them to sit out if they feel overwhelmed, offering a path back in when ready.
  • Balance “old” family traditions with new rituals created since they joined the home, reinforcing that their presence is reshaping the family story in a positive way.16

Make gifts and celebrations emotionally safe. Gifts can bring up issues of fairness, loyalty, and shame for foster children and youth who may have experienced scarcity or broken promises. Explain ahead of time how your family handles gifts, discuss budgets, whether people exchange with everyone or draw names, and what to expect from extended relatives. Keep comparisons subtle; avoid commenting that their gifts are “more” or “less” than others in front of them. Ask about sensitivities – some children may feel guilty receiving more than their siblings elsewhere or uncomfortable with expensive items. For kids who have been disappointed by adults, follow-through matters more than the price tag; if you promise a certain activity or small gift, keep that promise or explain clearly and early if plans change.17

Anticipate trauma triggers and sensory overload. Holiday environments often include loud music, strong smells, crowded rooms, and unpredictability, all of which can trigger anxiety or flashbacks. Identify likely triggers with the child – certain songs, alcohol at gatherings, yelling during sports games, fireworks, or particular family dynamics. Agree on a nonverbal signal they can use to ask for help or a break, like a hand gesture or phrase, something innocuous like “I need to check on the dog.” Pack a coping kit for outings – noise-reducing headphones, a favorite toy or book, snacks, and a small sensory item like putty or a stress ball. Use “time-ins” instead of isolating time-outs when they are overwhelmed – try to stay physically nearby, speak softly, and help them notice their body calming down.18

Teach and practice coping skills. Holiday stress also presents an opportunity to build lifelong emotional regulation tools. Practice simple grounding techniques when they are calm – using a method like noticing five things they can see, four they can feel, three they can hear, two they can smell, and one they can taste. Teach age-appropriate breathing exercises, like slow “box breathing” or blowing bubbles to mimic long exhalations. Encourage creative outlets – art, music, sports, or movement – as daily ways to release tension. Reinforce when they use coping skills, even partially (“You took a break before yelling; that was a strong choice”), so they begin to see themselves as capable of handling hard moments.19

Communicate and collaborate with the professional team. Foster parents and relative caregivers do not need to do this alone; coordinated support improves safety and stability.

  • Share holiday plans and concerns with case workers well before school breaks, especially around travel, visits, and supervision.
  • Ask therapists for specific strategies for known triggers, and keep them updated on any regressions, new nightmares, or self-harm talk.
  • Reach out to other foster families, support groups, or resource parent networks that may offer holiday-focused events and practical tips.
  • If a child’s behavior spikes – runaway risk, aggression, or severe withdrawal – contact the professional team early rather than waiting for a crisis.20

Support school transitions and post-holiday letdown. School parties, gift exchanges, and long breaks can be both exciting and destabilizing. Let teachers or school counselors know discreetly that holidays may be hard and share any key accommodations, such as allowing the child to step out of noisy events. Support friendships by arranging safe playdates or virtual hangouts so they are not socially isolated during the holiday break. Prepare the child for how classmates might talk about their holidays and rehearse simple responses that protect their privacy (“I spent time with my family and watched movies”). After the holidays, watch for a “crash” as structure returns; expect some regression in sleep, mood, or behavior and re-emphasize routines and calming activities.21

Stable, regulated adults are one of the best protective factors for children and youth in foster care during stressful seasons, which is why prioritizing caregiver self-care is important. Set realistic expectations for yourself; you do not need to create a “perfect” holiday for healing to occur. Seek respite care, swap childcare with other foster families, or simplify commitments if you feel stretched thin. Stay connected to your own support system and use grounding and coping skills yourself so you can model emotional regulation. Pay attention to your own compassion fatigue; if you notice dread, irritability, or numbness, which is a cue to slow down and ask for help rather than a sign of failure.22

Focus on connection over perfection. Above all, helping children and youth in foster care navigate the holidays is about offering consistent safety, choice, and genuine connection in a season that may have hurt them in the past. When adults center relationships, honor children’s histories, and keep plans flexible, the holidays can gradually shift from a source of dread to a time with moments of comfort and even joy.

 References:

  1. Foster Care and Adoption Statistics – AFCARS 2025 Update
  2. The Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and reporting System
  3. Children Exiting Foster Care Exits
  4. Foster Youth Mental Health
  5. Helping Foster Kids Cope with Holiday Stress and Loneliness
  6. Fostering & The Holidays: 10 Tips for Making Memories While Reducing Holiday Stress
  7. Ways to Support Foster Children During the Holiday Season
  8. Fostering in the Holiday Season
  9. The Importance of Family Routines

 Resources: